"Narcissist" Has Become a Buzzword

The word "narcissist" has become a cultural catch-all. Between endless TikTok psychology content and a habit of labelling any selfish ex-partner a narcissist, it's easy to see how the term became so loaded. It's often used to describe bad behaviour generally, but in clinical psychology, the picture is far more specific.

It matters a lot that there's a real difference between narcissistic traits, which most people show to some degree under stress, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a deeply rooted psychiatric condition.

If you're reading this because you've noticed a pattern of self-centred behaviour, a lack of empathy, or a tendency to manipulate in your own life, taking this first step toward self-reflection is genuinely a hard thing to do, and worth acknowledging.

At VMA Psych, we believe in the real capacity for change. Below, we explain the clinical difference between narcissistic traits and NPD, and share five evidence-based, actionable steps for how to change narcissistic behaviours.

Understanding Narcissism: The Clinical Spectrum

Narcissism isn't a simple yes-or-no diagnosis. It sits on a spectrum.

How Maladaptive Traits Show Up in Conflict

When someone with strong narcissistic traits feels criticized, their fragile self-image feels threatened. To protect it, they often reach for a few specific defensive tactics:

• Gaslighting: denying reality in a way that makes the other person doubt their own memory

• DARVO: short for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, a defensive pattern where the person flips the narrative to cast themselves as the wronged party

• Love bombing: trying to "win back" a partner after conflict with an overwhelming wave of affection and compliments, usually driven by a fear of abandonment rather than genuine accountability

A clinical note on abuse: if you're in a relationship marked by a cycle of emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, your safety comes first. If you don't feel safe, please reach out. In Ontario, the Assaulted Women's Helpline offers free, confidential, 24/7 crisis support and safety planning at 1-866-863-0511 (this line supports women of all ages and those in contact with them; if you need a different resource, 211 Ontario can connect you to services regardless of gender). In an emergency, call 911.

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

Plenty of people show situational narcissistic traits during periods of stress, insecurity, or burnout. NPD is different: it involves deeply ingrained patterns that cause real dysfunction across personal, romantic, and professional life.

People with clinical NPD hold an inflated, grandiose view of their own abilities. They fixate on fantasies of unlimited power, success, or ideal love, and expect to be catered to. When those expectations go unmet, the reaction is often what's clinically described as "narcissistic rage."

At its core, NPD is a bit of a tragic paradox: the outward arrogance functions as a psychological shield protecting an incredibly fragile, shame-filled, insecure inner self. Because self-esteem here is entirely dependent on external validation, developing true emotional empathy is genuinely difficult, which makes reciprocal relationships very hard to sustain without focused psychiatric intervention.

If you're processing the end of a relationship with someone who showed these patterns, our guide on breakup recovery may also help: It's Not You, It's Me: A Clinical Guide to Breakups, Heartbreak and Recovery

5 Evidence-Based Strategies to Change Narcissistic Behaviours

If you recognize maladaptive narcissistic traits in yourself and want to change, neuroplasticity, your brain's ability to rewire itself, is proof that growth is genuinely possible. Building healthier relationships takes a proactive approach to dismantling old defence mechanisms.

1. Actively build affective empathy

There are two kinds of empathy: cognitive (understanding what someone feels) and affective (actually sharing in their emotional experience). Start practising the affective kind. When someone's speaking, listen to understand, not to reply. Ask open-ended questions and validate their emotional reality without trying to fix it or steer the conversation back to yourself.

2. Practise somatic self-reflection

Narcissistic behaviours are often triggered by a sudden spike in shame or defensiveness. Notice where that defensiveness shows up in your body: a tight chest, a hot face, a clenched jaw. When you feel it, try a "somatic pause": three deep breaths before you respond. Journaling after conflicts can also help you look back objectively at how your reaction actually landed on the other person.

3. Build tolerance for constructive feedback

For someone with narcissistic traits, criticism can feel like a direct attack on their worth. Growth here means learning to separate your inherent value from your specific actions. Create space for a trusted friend or partner to share honest feedback, and practise saying, "thank you for telling me that, I'm going to sit with it," instead of immediately defending yourself.

4. Limit self-promotion

Make a conscious effort to de-centre yourself in conversation. Practise "active constructive responding" when someone shares good news: celebrate their win with real enthusiasm, without bringing up a similar or "better" achievement of your own.

5. Engage in prosocial, community-focused activity

Narcissism tends to create an intensely inward-focused life. Volunteering, community work, or helping others without expecting recognition shifts your focus outward. Prosocial behaviour is well supported by research as a way to build a real sense of purpose and reduce reliance on constant external validation.

Recommended Reading: Rethinking Narcissism

Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists by Craig Malkin, PhD, is a strong next step, whether you're working on these patterns in yourself or trying to understand them in someone close to you. Malkin, a clinical psychologist and researcher, frames narcissism as a spectrum rather than a fixed label, which helps readers tell healthy self-confidence apart from patterns that genuinely interfere with connection. The book draws on real clinical research to offer a practical, non-shaming framework for spotting maladaptive patterns and building healthier, more connected ways of relating, whether the goal is understanding yourself or someone in your life.

Get Your Copy Here

Frequently Asked Questions

Can narcissistic traits actually be changed, or are they permanent?

Situational narcissistic traits, the kind many people show under stress or from certain upbringings, can genuinely change with deliberate practice and, often, therapy. Full Narcissistic Personality Disorder is more deeply entrenched and typically requires longer-term, specialized clinical treatment, but meaningful change is still possible with the right support.

Is it normal to have some narcissistic traits?

Yes. Everyone shows some narcissistic traits at times, especially under stress, insecurity, or burnout. What matters clinically is the frequency, intensity, and impact of those traits on your relationships, not whether they ever show up at all.

How do I know if I have NPD or just some narcissistic traits?

Only a qualified clinician can make that determination through a proper assessment. As a general guide, traits that are situational and that you're capable of reflecting on (like reading this article) point toward the traits end of the spectrum rather than full NPD, though a professional evaluation is the only way to know for certain.

What therapy approaches work best for narcissistic patterns?

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Schema Therapy are both specifically well-suited here, since they help identify behavioural triggers, uncover the underlying insecurities driving the need for validation, and build the skills for more secure, empathetic relationships.

Can a relationship survive if one partner has narcissistic traits?

It depends heavily on the severity of the traits and whether the person is willing to take genuine accountability and do the work of change. Situational traits, with real effort and often couples or individual therapy, are far more workable than full NPD, which usually requires the person themselves to be actively engaged in specialized treatment for the relationship to have a realistic path forward.

The Role of Therapy in Personal Growth

Growth is a process, not an overnight transformation. Unlearning years of defensive coping is genuinely hard to do entirely on your own.

If you're serious about making real change, professional psychological support is often the most effective path forward. Approaches like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Schema Therapy are specifically designed to help you recognize your behavioural triggers, understand the insecurities underneath your need for validation, and build secure, empathetic ways of relating to others.

Our Etobicoke-based clinicians at VMA Psych offer a non-judgmental, compassionate space to do this work. Taking accountability is the hardest and most important step, and we're here to support it.

Ready to break the cycle and build real connection?

Contact us to book an individual counselling session, available in person in the GTA or virtually across Ontario.